Chapter Twenty Nine

The day had developed a comical tint to it. It began while she was choosing clothes for Steve’s funeral. All she could think as she browsed through her closet with a line from the movie Moonstruck “When you die I’ll wear a red dress and dance on your grave.” After the recent developments, it was certainly what Kelleigh felt like doing.
Instead, she chose a pair of black jeans, black boots, and a red sweater. She wasn’t going to dress up for Steve; she felt that her mere appearance was sufficient at this point. The fight, the revelations - all of them- weighed on her as she dressed for her test in jeans and a sweatshirt.

At this point, she was going to the funeral out of obligation more than mourning. Perhaps someday she would feel sadness but not now. Right now, she was simply pissed. at everyone, including herself.

Then the humor of the day continued with her little concert while she finished the mechanics test.

Afterward she ducked into the bathroom in the lobby of the college to change into her “funeral clothes”. She walked in a grease monkey and came out looking fabulous, if she did say so herself. As she left the building, she spotted the test examiner and waved. Again she received raised eyebrows and she giggled.

Kelleigh was in high spirits and she knew it was wholly inappropriate, considering her next destination.

She pulled into the funeral home parking lot; feeling like it had been months since she’d last been there. In fact, it had only been a day. She noticed with chagrin a long black limousine parked behind the black hearse. It was a stark reminder of why she was here. It also reminded her that she didn’t belong. As Steve’s widow, she should have been in that limousine. Instead, she was driving herself. Thinking about it, she realized she was relieved. She was not the grieving widow.

Conversation stilled, ever so slightly as she walked in the lobby of the home. Searching the crowd, she realized that she had no one waiting for her. Her husband, she nearly choked on the word, was the reason she was here. Her family wasn’t here and Steve’s family certainly didn’t consider her their responsibility. As it were, even Delly wasn’t a welcome sight. Having spotted her in the crowd, she held her hand up to indicated “stop” when Delly made a gesture to approach her.

Kelleigh walked through the lobby, ignored the guest book and picked up a program. She slid it into her purse and then went into the room. It was only here that the reality of the situation hit her. At the front of the room was a large picture of Steve smiling at the camera. It was the first time she had “seen” him since before the accident. It was like a punch to the stomach. While she hated him fiercely right now, there was a time that she loved him enough to marry him.
She looked away from the photograph just to catch a glimpse of the casket. Of course, the family had chose to have an open casket. Kelleigh would have never chosen that. She preferred to remember her loved ones the way she last saw them, not as they were dead. She looked away and tried to find someplace inconspicuous to sit. As the widow, she should have a seat front and center, but she doubted that Steve’s family gave her that consideration. Instead, she chose to sit toward the front but on the end of the aisle, as far away from the comings and goings as she could.

Strangely, no one approached her. Even as the seats began to fill, no one sat beside her. It was just as well. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. She kept her hands folded in her lap and concentrated on the sunlight that shone through the stained glass windows.

Mercifully the service began and she could focus on that instead of feeling like an outcast. There was a priest, which Kelleigh found humorous. Steve hadn’t set foot in a church since they were married, and hadn’t been in one before that since his Christening. But the priest spoke kindly about Steve, as if he knew him.

The service ended quickly enough. There was a hymn sung that Kelleigh didn’t recognize and then she watched as Steve’s friends hefted the casket and walked it solemnly out to the hearse. The crowd slowly followed them out into the sun. Kelleigh stayed back, away from the crowd. It just didn’t feel right to her to participate. She was beginning to feel like a ghost, as if no one saw her there.

She felt a slight tap on her shoulder and felt simultaneously relieved and annoyed. As much as she wanted to be invisible, it was painful to seem as such. Turning, she was disappointed to see Sid there. To his credit, it looked as if he’d been crying for days. Kelleigh’s heart broke a little for him. Steve, for all his flaws, had always been close to his brother.

“Kelleigh, I’m glad you came but I have to tell you: Mother doesn’t want you at the graveside service.”

Nonplussed, Kelleigh just nodded. “Fine, Sid, whatever you want.”

Sid looked surprised but didn’t continue. Kelleigh turned on her heel and walked out. She marched past the mourners gathered around the hearse and got into her truck. She watched as Sid gathered his mother and steered her to the limousine. Once they were inside the car, the hearse slowly pulled away and the crowd began to disperse to their cars. Kelleigh watched as the mourners left then started the truck and drove toward home. She didn’t spot Delly in the crowd, but then she just wasn’t looking for her either.